I recently found myself thinking about a topic that has always made me uncomfortable. That topic being female sensuality. I‘ve always been curious about my personal expression of sexuality. Allowing the deep seated master of my sensual being to take over. Formerly denying myself the pleasure of appreciating the inner feminine power that lies in all beings, male or female. I think the reason I want to allow myself the freedom to explore that inner sensuality and the divinity that is its essence is because if I am choosing to be as authentic and open as humanly possible, I have to allow the uncomfortable parts to be examined. And hopefully by examination, allowing the infinitesimal range of human emotions to take flight which includes a lot of feelings and emotions hidden underneath inner sexuality. Denying I have a pleasure seeking being within, leads to the denial of a set of emotions that are necessary to feel a life fully lived. It is a denial of the self. And that is no act of kindness.
Maybe I have been afraid of what I may find there because I had a superficial understanding of it prior to just accepting it now. I’ve harbored these beliefs that if I allow that sensual master within to radiate out, that it would mean I’d be perceived as a woman that is seeking outside of her own monogamous relationship, or that I would suddenly be publicly displaying more parts of my body, but inner feminine sensuality goes beyond the tangible. It is an energy I have only begun to understand and tap in to. It has not made me lustfully seek others sexual company, it has not made me show more skin, it has not brought unwarranted attention. What it has made me, is free. Free to understand the enjoyment of carnal pleasures within my own relationship, free to feel confidence from a very deep place, like there is a warrior within guiding me.
As a third generation Mexican American woman, assimilation has been key to my survival in a country that often vilifies minority groups. I’ve shoved parts of my heritage down, deep down, where it couldn’t pop up any unwanted or unwarranted Latin flavor. But what I am now realizing is that I have been stifling my female power. I was afraid to put pen to paper about this particular subject, female sexuality, because I am Hispanic. I never wanted to become perceived as a sexualized, superficial object of any desire or worse exactly what my fellow Latinas have often been characterized as. No more important than a curvy Latina ass. So I shut that part out for a while.
But there is power in taking my sensuality back and defining it for myself. Putting it back out into the world by its mere force that pushes along an invisible wave around me, propelling me. Forward and onward, on my terms. With all the sexuality and flavor I want, no more pushing that part of myself to assimilate. Assimilating into someone that I am not. I choose to lie, intertwined, with my master, who always resided within.